I'm the kind of person who hates to think about the bad. When I find my thoughts straying into the land of negativity, fear and pity I quickly try to divert them. However, cancer and the thoughts of recurrence keep coming into my mind. They come and they go. I could be having the best time with my kids and all of a sudden I think to myself - what if I die. Or, when I'm having a loving moment with my daughter I think - Is God giving me these glorious moments because my time is coming soon. I hate thinking like this but I do. Cancer scares me. Cancer is scary.
I'm hoping with time and clear scans year after year (fingers crossed) that fear will get further from my mind. I don't know if that's possible but I'm hoping. I'm now 35 years old and soon to be 36 - I don't want to live my life in fear. I don't want to cry because I'm thinking about death, dying or the thought of my children growing up without me. I want to live like a strong warrior. I've always been strong. I've always been mentally tough. I want that person to come back. She's here, but she comes and goes.
I'm feeling really emotional these last couple of days. I don't know if it's the passing of another cancer sister (from Atlanta) or if it's the Holidays or Tamoxifen. I'm just really emotional and I'm so aware of all the beautiful moments I have with my kids. I'm thankful. I thank God for keeping me safe. I want my moments to last forever. I want so much for my life -- and I don't want cancer messing with my dreams (plans).
"I can be changed by what happens to me - but I refuse to be reduced by it.” ~Maya Angelou~
1 comment:
I feel you have a long life in store for you. You are a warrior, I've always known that and she isn't gone. Keep thinking positive and enjoying your beautiful family. If you didn't have those thoughts you wouldn't be normal. Stay strong sister!
love, gretch
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